skinshotz's Xanga

Friday, October 27, 2006

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 01:31:01 GMT

Sometimes i dont know whether to feel angry or hurt. Over the past few months ive learnt tht i have come not to favour a few people. Some fat, some girls and some really mind manipulators. Its funny how much the influence of words can take over you and it is worst when u let it happen. Friends for example i get shit loads of 'things i have to do' but ofcourse they say it but sometimes u have to think to how far or why do u want to do it and for wht reason or purpose. So in the end maybe u just do something tht only some of your friends tell you to do. At this point ive only learn to trust a few people. some say im too nice somesay i trust easily.

do u think im REALLLY tht easily influenced. i mean come on. i deal with people on a daily basis, actually on a minute basis, i deal with people tht has issues witht heir careers and especialyl those seeking a job. i get to meet, learn and identify alot of people. from then on i learn about them. i learn about people. i get to see their progression and the people they are outside of work. it all concludes. the best thing is at times i can percieve people, not judge them but percieve them. coming back, im able to tell wht a person is by just talking to them sometimes mannerism and body language. ive only been wrong about people minimally, tht i can say. also funny how alota people think im much older than i am. i guess is the amount of experience tht i have gained here and the wayi bring myself about. i mean some people in the office says im too straightforward and some say too nice and some say too lansee. haha...

i dont know wht exactly im rambling about. its just funny tht, how someone can be influence so much by another person and worst not knowing who and wht the other person is. i mean i wont listen to people tht has a bad reputation around, not bad but u know a reputation tht people speaks off and KNOW off. tht i have my barrier. but ofcourse we are blinded by those facts, but if u only look deeper, wht has it done for you. for me it has spoilt my credibility but my integrity still stays in place. the friends i have is influential. so sometimes listening to them is not a bad thing. but i dont know im just dissappointed really dissapointed on why people choose to listen to people tht really isnt worth listening too. i mean look deeper sometimes. it doesnt hurt to look deeper and hear wht others have said and absorb tht most importantly.

hwne i was having my downtime irregardless im very lucky enough to have listened to myself and soe other people tht could actually see wht was happening.sometimes not saying anythign at all and being spotted for it makes a difference. thts why i try to be there formost peopel these days..and sometimes i wish i had real proper friends tht could have given my the advice then i wanted too. look now, influence overtook wants. i sure hope the person tht i truely love doesnt make a mistake.....

Monday, October 23, 2006

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 11:47:57 GMT

it really sucks when everyone and everything around you has to enveloped you in the thoughts of all of her. i know. i do not know how to convey somethings to some people. i do not know how to tell people tht i love someone so much. and i do not know how to live with it....

so how..time? change....guess i have to change...

another bite......

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 20:32:15 GMT

i believe im not the person i thought i am. i belive im not the person tht many people thought i am. im at times lost but may percieve strong and agressive. i don know.

i have been hanging out with a person whoim ive know for many many years. seems like we have been and going throught the same brush of life, except tht i made a mistake and she has chosen to take a risk tht has ended up hurting her. i now percieve life and journey as a endless trail of bread we leave everywhere, at times hard to tear. u never know wht kinda footstep u made until u have falled down and looked back. two roads diverged which road to choose. whether or not wise or unwise, it was a decsion. a decision without much thought, not much thought but wihout a positive mental atitude.

sometimes we get taken aback. sometimes we get lost. sometimes we let go of the things tht is best to us. why? is it a living fact of life? if it is, then i just should lasy back and be content of wht i have. ive been brought up in such a way tht it has be be important to be at the top and be the one tht stands out. i guessis not as easy as i thought it would be. made soe deal here and thre, where has it dgone too. money vapour through wht we think may be a liquidity of more deals. we're wrong, is more than just face, its work, work and more work. atleast u need to enjoy wht u want to do first before anythin else, and be proud of it!

i hate myself for making such decisions for aloowing myself to get lost. it hurts. till the point tht it eat you up at the most awkward of moments. it really sucks. it will suck most to see the one u love love someone els,e because she is able to sweep anyoone of their feet. she is able to love and care. she is able to envelope you in a love so pure, kind and sincere. i guess i overlooked tht. i guess im been eaten slwly inside. i guess im a looser tht cant accept wht he has become. i guess she has understood tht the person i have become is soooo unsincere, unpredictable, unappreciave and worst useless.

i dont understand wht i have become inside. altho i might have certainly sorted out wht i needed to do already but i still have not orted out wht i neeed above all else, thts because of wht i have done..i have both destroyed my and the persons life tht i love most. the guilt and the ambiguity, i cannnot accept...ive been a person tht has always help another to become the better due to the nature of my job nd myself but now....ive made both people me and her be at worst.....thanks...

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 01:17:48 GMT

it was a mistake meant to be made or was it a dumb mistake after all? We both hurt. We both need to find ourselves. We both suffered. And we both are suffering. Is this love, does love make us feel this way? is it because of the things ive done or the things thts meant to be. i dont know how im gonna pull through this face. ITs soemthing i must live with everyday for how long i dont know.

it was a time when i just needed to think for a while and then i might have said things i didnt mean. now it has become a living suffering, a hurt through pain of a thousand needles poking you.

its alwasy too late, i hate myself for makign things the way it is, shy to look in the mirror now...altho i kknow i can change, but its no use, its too late. too late...

resemblance..

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 00:24:48 GMT

the reason......seemingly like me...

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

is it real..

Sun, 15 Oct 2006 12:43:17 GMT

i dont know whts real or not. People tell me things then it may seem something else? and im back to square one..

i heard some disturbing news of my friend who tried to fuck my back. it seems after wht has happen he to tried to put his foot in. It was quite obvious....hmm..oh well..

REAL...is feelings real, is wht people tell you real, is it wht it may seeem. Are living in a sitcom of our own? living life like its a movie tale. sometimes in a the real world we might need to cut ourselves knowing tht its pain and knowing tht such things exist. Which separates wht we feel from wht we think or wht it may seeem.

the reality is like when you squint your eyes and your two eyebrows meet and wen you look up and think, about wht is in your head. To me thts not reality, tht is a mere thought. Thoughts if you dont control can possbly eat you. Is our thoughts reality or is it our own version of our television series of our lives..

Wounds heal, scars remains, thoughts and memories prevail, time is cruel....

Wht is real, us?

We are real.......took me about 6 months to realise tht. now two months to recover from it, i wonder how long more...

People and the world might not seem as it is. We have to stare it in the eye and take wht we want....wht we need and how are we to get it....Aggressive, dangerous and head on, thts how im gonna take it....

Im hurt, i dont know why....i step out of the movie and heading in to reality....little by little...ill be there...il be back!

Im hurt and angry about the things i have done....and i did....

morning view...

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 05:14:08 GMT

voices are now tellin me not to give up. alota people dont know me too well. i dont really give up tht THT easy\ily..apparently i shouldnt. And i will now, but im lost of direction. I dont know wher to start. i sometimes feel tht im looking at the sky staring back at me looking down on me, bringing the world on my shoulders..its up to me to make wht happens out of it.

wht should i do. i know im in control but the situation has to be turned around..im trying to step in th shoes of the one ive let go, its now a reverse cycle. when i was there she was there too. now im here and shes there. how do i go about changing it. they say time, they say dont give up, they say work on it. im alone, i cant tell a green field from a cold steel rail.

i hve loved like ive never loved before. here am i presevering and living up to tht statement. how i wish you were here, we were just two lost people swimming in a fish bowl.

allow me one chance ill give you the world, thts if i can, if u will......

Why sulk, im learning......

Friday, October 13, 2006

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 00:41:16 GMT

Been waking up with headaches this whole weeek....i just got hit again, boy my dreams were so fucktup last nite..

Day by day thoughts come and go, and when it comes its like forever. u feel like shit, u cant concerntrate on anything at all...

Its beeen about two months..funny how i still feel this way. Im still persevering...Ive always knew tht i will not let go of her, i didnt know how she did, after all tht was said and done, its funny how IM still waiting here....

sigh...

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 01:49:37 GMT

uh oh, slightly sleepy today, but not hungover. A night of chilled jazz and good company did the trick.

No one can go back and make a brand new start but everyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. One should be given a chance no matter how bad a situation can be no matter how hurt. Im just taking it from my parents kinda view, on how much they have suffered and presevere for us. oh well. In some situations its hard to consider given such hurt and pain. But sometimes on the bright side, some learn through mistakes some learn through regrets...as God always forgives we should learn how to appreciate...

Today i wanna feel slightly bettter. I've never been so appreciated before. In terms of work. My Trainees just graduated and we presented them with certificatres and stuff. They really did a good job on making a video for us. Alot of people were invited, MD, senior managers and stuff. Alot of the trainees express their appreciation and their thankfullness to both me and my manager, i quite felt good, never knew how mch my small help can impact them. I guess its because stepping in to their firsts steps of employment, i guided them both intrinsically and extrinsically. Ddint know my two cents worth did justice. But it was good, in everyones presence, i felt goood.....hehe..

And trust me, at times they did give me loadsa headachse...but sometimes i might have lost a little bit of patience, but thts life..

Apparently im quite the lansi boy in the office man! WHTS up with tht? bugggerrr...suddenly only...

the morning hours...

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 02:31:57 GMT

Its as though im documenting everything here....this sucks...the whole morning, it was again, time and time again.

Am not sure if its wht ive done or wht i did, but its sure is wht i can do...

at this time im able to do many things tht i was blinded by, but i wonder how come everything always happens this way.

Its been two months......its been almost three years....

How to let it go when its too late?

some ask me to think of wht ive got after these two years.....i dont know...a fucking hard time.....